The James Bond franchise is responsible for setting the standard when it comes to action, sex and violence in modern films. But it’s also responsible for the “Action Theme Ballad” or the “Action Theme Love Song”. There really isn’t anything else like it in movies. The producers of Bond wrote exciting action music that would traditionally run with the titles, and then they had the balls to add lyrics to the stuff. The first two Bond films used instrumentation only for the opening sequences of those films. But with the third film, they created something that would go on to become a staple of the series: the James Bond theme song.
After forty years of Bond, the franchise has produced some of the most memorable songs of all time, some topping the pop charts, winning Grammy’s and being nominated for Oscars. At the same time, the series has created some of the most grotesque spoiled beef tripe that’s ever been put to vinyl.
Grumpy Guy will rate them from best to worst, leaving out “Dr. No” and “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”, the two films in the series that didn’t have theme songs. And please, don’t try to argue with us about the ratings, you’ll be wrong.
1. Goldfinger (1964)
Music by John Barry
Lyrics by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley
Performed by Shirley Bassey
“Goldfinger” set the blue print by which all Bond films would follow. Sean Connery set the standard by which all Bond’s would be measured. And Shirley Bassey singing the title song set the standard by which all Bond theme songs would be compared. You can hear a little “Goldfinger” in just about every James Bond theme song that’s ever been produced. The rocking horns. The lush violins. The instantly recognizable melody and catchy chorus. The humorous and sexually charged lyrics. It’s all caught here in less than three minutes of sheer sonic brilliance, never to be equaled, never to be surpassed.
2. Live and Let Die (1973)
Music & Lyrics by Paul McCartney
Performed by Paul McCartney and Wings
There are two kinds of James Bond theme songs. There’s John Barry and then everybody else. With “Live and Let Die” Paul McCartney not only met the challenge of living up to the Barry standard, he actually transcended it, while still remaining true to the overall Bond characteristics that Barry set.
McCartney used rock n’ roll, reggae, and power ballad style crooning to set the atmosphere for this classic. It has everything a Bond theme song needs. It’s got the title of the movie in it, driving, urgent, action oriented orchestration, and a great memorable hook. With “Live and Let Die” McCartney helped bring Bond out of the sixties and into the seventies, breathing life into a series that, to the baby boomers, was going the way of John Wayne and the western, tired, stale and old.
3. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Music by John Barry
Lyrics by Don Black
Performed by Shirley Bassey
John Barry gets funky, adding wah-wah guitar and a heavy bass line with the traditional romantic violins found in the previous Bond themes. Shirley Bassey returns, belting out what Grumpy Guy considers the third best James Bond theme of all time. Is there anything cooler than the sonic wail of Bassey accompanied by wah-wah guitar?
Barry does a remarkable job holding fast to the Bond sound he originated, while expanding on it, letting rock and soul influence the sound, without completely overhauling it. Where “Goldfinger” and “Thunderball” wore their cool jazz and show tune influences on their sleeves, “Diamonds” embraces the rock era, setting the stage for the second best Bond theme of all time, “Live and Let Die”.
4. You Only Live Twice (1967)
Music by John Barry
Lyrics by Leslie Bricusse.
Performed by Nancy Sinatra
With “You Only Live Twice” Barry didn’t feel compelled to disguise his love songs as action themes anymore, as with “Goldfinger” and “Thunderball”. Here he would fully embrace the Bond Love Song, using “From Russia With Love” as a foundation, and expanding on its sonic themes by using the electric bass and fuzz guitar. In 1998, the violin riff was sampled by British pop singer Robbie Williams for his song “Millennium”. The song sucks, but it goes to show that thirty years after it was recorded, Barry new how to lay down a catchy riff that would grab his listeners and pull them into a song.
Nancy Sinatra is no Shirley Bassey. The only reason I can think of that Barry used Sinatra instead was because of her popularity at the time with her hit “These Boots Are Made For Walkin”. Despite Sinatra’s weak vocals, “You Only Live Twice” succeeds because of the lush production and Barry’s gift with melody and orchestration.
5. Thunderball (1965)
Written by John Barry
Lyrics by Don Black
Performed by Tom Jones
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. “Thunderball” takes off right where “Goldfinger” ended. Derivative as it is, it doesn’t lack energy or style. Tom Jones replaces Shirley Bassey for the vocals and does a remarkable job. Jones has a swagger that few vocalists can match. Mix Jones’s vocals with Barry’s now assured Bond formula and Don Black’s straightforward lyrics about Bond’s sexual prowess, and the result is
6. The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)
Music by John Barry
Lyrics by Don Black
Performed by Lulu
An up-tempo remake of “Thunderball” but still a lot of fun.
7. Nobody Does It Better (from “The Spy Who Loved Me”, 1977)
Music by Marvin Hamlisch,
Lyrics by Carole Bayer Sager
Performed by Carly Simon
This song has something that its knock off’s (For Your Eyes Only and All Time High) don’t, and that’s that James Bond vibe. “Nobody” takes its cue from McCartney’s “Live and Let Die”, rather than Barry’s inventions. Like “Die” it heavily features the piano. The big difference is that it doesn’t implement any of the orchestration that Barry or McCartney used in their themes to emphasize danger and urgency. This one would influence many other Bond themes to come, but not in a good way.
8. From Russia With Love (1963)
Music by Lionel Bart
Performed by Matt Monro
In some ways this song set the foundation that John Barry would later build on with “Goldfinger”. It doesn’t appear in the title sequence, instead it was replaced with an instrumental version. Probably because the producers wanted up-tempo music, something emphasizing action and mystery. Barry would overcome this scrutiny by combining the love song and the action theme with the next bond film, “Goldfinger”.
9. Moonraker (1979)
Music: John Barry
Lyric: Shirley Bassey
Performed by Shirley Bassey
The most underrated Bond theme of all time. I’ve got to give props to this one because they didn’t pussy out like the film after it, (Octopussy) and come up with another name for a title song (like maybe they should have). Nope, John Barry churns out what would be the last traditional James Bond theme ever made for the series and he would do it in proper fashion by bringing back Shirley Bassey.
I remember seeing this with a buddy of mine during the summer of 79. I remember him singing along with the song, mocking it in a high falsetto, making fun of Shirley. It pissed me off, because I was into the shit. Just take a look at some of the lyrics and don’t tell me they don’t make you choke up.
Where are you? Why do you hide?
Where is that moonlight trail that leads to your side?
Just like the moonraker goes in search of his dream of gold
I search for love, for someone to have and hold
Anybody that can make a song out of the word “Moonraker” has got to be a bad ass.
Things start getting really blurry now as far as trying to rate the Bond themes. Most of the songs that followed Moonraker are pretty interchangeable. “For Your Eyes Only” and “All Time High” sound similar, as do Sheryl Crows “Tomorrow Never Dies” and Garbage’s “The World Is Not Enough”. What they do have in common is that they all really suck ass. There isn’t a good theme in the bunch of them, so take the rest of this rating analysis for what’s its worth… which isn’t much.
10. Goldeneye (1995)
Written by Bono and The Edge
Performed by Tina Turner
This song tries really, really hard to please and comes up woefully short. It has a lot going for it, including three rock legends collaborating with each other in Bono, The Edge and Tina Turner. They don’t completely fuck it up, but they don’t really hit the mark either.
11. A View To A Kill (1985)
Music & Lyrics by Duran Duran and John Barry
Although Barry gets writing credit, it’s been documented that he more or less arranged the composition as opposed to actually help write the song. The main credit goes to British pop sensation Duran Duran. “A View To A Kill” has all the Bond theme elements, but they fit together like square pegs and round holes. Most of the lameness of this song has to do with Duran Duran. We’re talking about a band that rocked out with synthesizers and electric drums. It’s all very pussyfied. No matter what kind of balls Barry tried to add to the song, Simon Le Bon and his band of merry music makers, simply didn’t have the cojones that were needed to make a cool rocking Bond them. What was created was like a microwave dinner. You know its there. You recognize what it is. But hell if you really want to eat the shit unless absolutely necessary.
12. For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Written and performed by Sheena Easton
As much as the lyrics for ‘Moonraker” sucked, “For Your Eyes Only” comes in at a close second, mostly because of how serious it takes itself. Like “You Only Live Twice”, “Diamonds Are Forever” and “Nobody Does It Better”, “Eyes” is a pop ballad. But unlike the former three it doesn’t carry that James Bond moxy with it. It’s the first James Bond theme song that doesn’t feel like a James Bond theme song. “Nobody” also veered heavily away from the Barry formula, but it still had a memorable and catchy melody, where “Eyes” is merely memorable without being catchy.
13. All Time High: (Octopussy, 1983)
Music John Barry
Lyrics Tim Rice
Performed by Rita Coolidge
Wow. John Barry would abandon his original James Bond formula and write his worst Bond song ever. With “All Time High”, Barry would fall into the mold of Bond song that Carly Simon and Sheena Easton set. I guess I should at least give the dude props for being able to adapt to the changes the Bond franchise was heading in. Despite its mediocrity the song still retains some of that Barry classiness that so many Bond songs lack.
This is the first Bond song that didn’t use the title of movie as its inspiration, which was a complete punk move on Barry’s part. How come he can write a song called “Moonraker” but he can’t write a song called “Octopussy”? The shit ain’t right. “
14. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Written and Performed by Sheryl Crow.
This song sounds a lot like “The World Is Not Enough”.
15. The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Written by Don Black and David Arnold
Performed by Garbage
This song sounds a lot like “Tomorrow Never Dies”.
16. You Know My Name (Casino Royal, 2006)
Written by Chris Cornell and David Arnold
Performed by Chris Cornell
This song is like bad sex. Everything looks good at first glance, then you get into bed with it and everything turns to crap. You’re anticipating a good time. You’re sure you’re going to shoot your load, but instead you end up getting sphincter cramps that feel like you’re trying to crap a pound of gravel out of your ass.
17. License To Kill (1989)
Performed by Gladys Knight
This starts out riffing on the “Goldfinger” horn intro, but then it quickly takes a nosedive, becoming a very confused garbled mess. There’s no melody to latch onto, there’s no memorable chorus. According to Wikipedia, the writers of “Goldfinger” had to get paid residuals because the horn section in this song was so similar to the original”. It’s the only thing interesting about the song.
18. The Living Daylights (1987)
Written and performed by Aha
Because Duran Duran wasn’t pussyfied enough for the Broccoli’s, they hired the band Aha to do this theme song. For some reason this one reminds me of “The Final Countdown” by Europe. It must be those lame synthesizers.
19. Die Another Day (2002)
Written and performed by Madonna
I understand why the producers wanted Madonna to do the theme , but I don’t understand why they gave the green light on this song. It is hands down the worst James Bond Theme of all time. Madonna’s voice is so distorted, in that annoying electro voice distortion that’s used by every pop diva that can’t sing, you can’t understand what the hell she’s saying.
It’s been announced recently that the title of the next James Bond movie is “Quantum of Solace”. If they can make a song out of that title, then it will surpass “Moonraker” as the most fucked up James Bond theme song of all time.